Just let it be...

I was just thinking the other day.

One, about the *hornbill situation:

When I didn’t know who he was or his name or anything about him, he would fascinate me. All of us would be excited as he entered the college mess or when we saw him walk down the lobby. It was a strange obsession and fascination. But then, over time as my curiosity got the better of me and I dug into the matter, found out his name n established a conversation with him, I realised that he was nothing like I had imagined. He turned out to be the complete opposite and the magic was lost. It’s like I ruined it for me.

Two, about the *KG situation:

Previously, we used to adore *KG too. He was also in our ‘top strangers noticed’. Eventually, we got introduced to him and the whole crazy admiration was lost. Of course, we’re now great friends, but still, it’s different.

Life is beautiful, gives u so many beautiful moments. Moments to keep, cherish and remember in times of despair. But we are selfish. We want more; more of the same moments, again and again. So what do we do? Pursue. Shared a few good times with a person, we go ahead n take down a number so that we can have more of those moments; found intimate moments with someone, we flirt and try to get more; enjoyed a good vacation; we book tickets and hope to enjoy. And what’s worse, we expect to get the same moments back, the exact same moments. And then what do we do? Ruin it; ruin the beautiful memories made because we expect to live the SAME moments again, forgetting that nothing is constant. Each moment is new and different. We cannot live the same moments again, only cherish the ones that we lived and make new memories. But we lace new moments with old expectations and end up not only making unpleasant memories but souring the old ones.

Don’t pursue based on your past; make a future; and if not, just live the present. Let life give you surprises and most importantly be ready to take them.

The moth and the star

When in school, I read this story about a moth and a star. It said that there was once a moth, which set his heart upon a certain star. He would set out every night to reach it but obviously failed and came back tired and worn out in the morning, but never gave up. His parents advised him to go after street lamps like every other moth but he never gave up. It gave him immense pleasure to go after the star, even though he could never reach it.

Similarly, thinking about it, we all are like the moth. We need our stars to chase. It can be something or someone. We might never get to it but just following it gives us immense pleasure.

I am a person who’s repelled by the idea of the love, the one that exists between two lovers. Pink, hearts, roses etc disgust me. I rebel the idea of falling for someone because I know, it’ll make me vulnerable; vulnerable to heartbreaks which I’ve always had, and I hate. It is so much of a mess just to get over someone! But, I have a confession to make. I have a star, like the moth had his. I’ve had many others in the past too. I know I can never reach the star; he can never be mine. But just having the crazy infatuation for him makes me feel a kind of joy. It’s not exactly the kind of happiness we all look for. I smile when I think of him. My heart skips a beat at the sight of him. I hold on to memories of the moments we shared. I dream of him often, and then wake feeling better and happier than ever. He’s the first and last thing on my mind. I feel very receptive of him, his feelings, his actions. If smiles, I’m happy; if he’s annoyed, it’s like the end of the world. I feel like a hopeless romantic. I feel very vulnerable. But I think I like it, in a way because it makes me feel capable of loving, capable of living, for someone, for a dream. And then, I empathise with the moth. J

P.S. By the way, the lame public display of affection that the couples ‘in love’ do still disgusts me. :P

How long, to move on...

"So, I broke up with him in Jan. In Feb, me and *my classmate started dating”, said *Dee. And I thought, ‘what! In one month?! Doesn’t she require time to get over her break-up? Did she even care about her (now) ex?! I needed around 18 months to get over mine!’ and then I thought, ‘did I really need those 18 months?’

I have seen many relationships and break-ups. The ones which take longest to recover are rated as the most sincere and committed relationships and the people involved are the ‘good’ people, the ones who truly fall in love, look forward to settling down, only hold hands and hug and all that bull... on the other hand, the ones who quickly move on are either b****es or j**ks... Is it really that hard to get over a relationship? Our mind is a great thing!! It will get used to stuff very soon. So once we start telling ourselves that we have moved on, it hardly takes a month to be really over somebody but the question is, do we want to do that?

Answer, NO, because we are afraid of our own prejudices. So, once we realise that our wounds are healing, we scratch them so they pain a little longer. We want to show our once partners, that we are a victim to their evil and that we were so vulnerable in their love, that we gave them the power to ruthlessly shatter our lives into a thousand pieces. But most of all we want to show the world and ourselves that we, are the ‘good’ people.

Cricket

Cricket

Well, to be honest, I hate cricket... yeah yeah, call me lunatic to hate cricket being from the country I am from, but I seriously, I hate the game. No reason as such why I should hate a harmless game but well, lets just say its not my cup of coffee.

Today in the mess, I saw everyone excited about the game. Today's match was taking place in my city and the entire college was hysteric. Half our classes were empty as people were sitting at home or in the stadium to watch today's game. Early today in the mess we had a discussion, or rather a conversation, that changed my view towards my likes and dislikes.

*Kru said," saala wo stadium ja raha hai match dekhne!! (that ass is going to the stadium to watch the match)I wish I could go too... We used to go so often when I was in Nagpur! :-(" Then *Sid joined in,"you know I was getting the VIP passes for today's match. But since none of you were going, I thought what will I do there alone! I didn't know you guys like cricket too.""Even our plan got cancelled! :-(" *Shin chipped in. "Hey! You guys din know that cricket's closely knit with my family... One of my great grand uncle even has a trophy named after him, the Ranji!", said *Gáy. *Chiku joined in,"Oh man!! i'm not attending anything after 2. I want to see the match! Who's gonna join me?" "ME!!", said almost everyone in chorus.

The almost excludes me and *Gáy as I din wanna and *Gáy wasn't listening. Everyone's face dropped on seeing my response. It was then that I realized how much these guys loved me! All of them knew of my hatred towards cricket but still wanted me to be a part of all their celebrations, which I would never understand (like a four, or a six or a wicket :-/ I mean, get a life people!)

It was then that it dawned upon me that yes, I do hate cricket, but not more than I love my friends. But cricket was just one, what about other things?

Answer: Everything has now a third category (besides like and don't like)- don't like more than i like the ones that like what i don't like :-)

P.S. All the classes after 2 got cancelled and our entire college was in the mess, watching the cricket match together, on the one and only 29inch LCD, screaming and moaning (almost meaninglessly according to me :-/) having one of the best times of our lives :-)

Today I learnt two things...

Today was the perfect day to start a blog. I learnt two things about my thoughts (or might be everyone's thoughts).

One...

Its been long since I wanted to write something about pain and betrayal. It had been lurking around somewhere but in the lovely life, that I have currently got used to living, it used to hide somewhere. And then in unwanted moments, it would flash itself and then continue to hide. So finally in my economics class, (heaven knows why i chose that class! maybe the two hour ordeal was similar to the discomfort of the feelings that had been hiding ;-)) I wrote a poem describing these feelings so that they would be out in the open. This is a poem which may not be very appealing to the reader's mind, but then again, that's the whole idea...

And all was lost in vain..

A tale well played in all's heart

Anytime, anywhere, it may start

But do take note of this my friend

It may not always have a pleasant end

Feels like a losing battle fought

When you see, what you've lost

And what was it that you gained?

But all was lost in vain

It begins like a lightning struck

Anywhere, anytime, sheer luck

And then continues, a courting dance

Seeing, meeting, at every chance

As days pass, the smiles grow

Together time, like a river flow

And when apart, only one thought

Within the nets of mind is caught

And now you wonder what you thought

When you see what you lost

But what was it that you gained?

And all was lost in vain

Soon after, the promises sweet

You suddenly make a giant leap

And you never really understood

When 'together', why alone you stood

And then you receive a small beep

'The promises we made, i cannot keep

Whatever we had was a great time

But i never considered you as mine'

Your world is shattered like post battle fought

When you face what you have lost

And you think about what you gained

When all was lost in vain

What you lose is an unbroken trust

Forever weakened like rot and rust

And a loss of belief in you

As you doubt everything you do

A hollow heart is what you get

And a doubting mind, forever set

A few sweet memories you do gain

But now they're all laced with pain

Its now it feels like a battle lost

When I see what I lost

And what I got is only pain

And all was lost in vain

After I wrote this poem, I didn't feel any different, but now as I reflect back on the day I had after writing it, I realize its been one of the best ever! The lurking thoughts were out and gone!! So next time there's something I cant get my mind off, I know what to do :-)

Two...

The human brain is an amazing thing! Whatever we do repeatedly, our brain used to it, gets used to the entire experience of being in that state. After a while, it runs on auto-pilot and it becomes a normal thing for us to react in a particular way.

So, *lawyer said,"and at her wedding, we'll arrive in couples. I'll come with my lass, *ABJ will come with *Ye...." and I interrupted,"no!! He'll be with me!" "But won't you be coming with *hornbill?" It was then that I realized that i had so gotten used to the joke of ABJ being my 'hubby' and that anything that didn't support that, would anger me, ANGER ME! It would make me jealous!! Oh my god! What had happened! I was getting used to joke like it was a reality!

It was then I decided to take a break. After-all, jokes are meant to be jokes, for fun. A small break would re-establish the 'jokeness' of the joke instead of making it a habit. And we all know, *ABJ is always gonna be around ;-)